In some instances, these nasty looks and criticisms are driving rifts in friendships, as the germ-averse start judging their less cautious friends. Welcome to the era of pandemic bullying and shaming. In an April 2020 survey of 1,500 people in the United States, 51 percent admitted that they had already judged an acquaintance for not adhering to social distancing guidelines (the survey was conducted by the polling company Lucid and commissioned by PhoneSoap, a company that makes cleaning supplies for cellphones). The term “covidiot” was added to Urban Dictionary in March 2020 to describe someone who ignores the warnings regarding public health or safety relating to COVID-19; it’s been making the rounds on social media ever since. RELATED: Your COVID-19 Summer Safety Guide
What Drives COVID-19 Bullying in the First Place?
On one level, this phenomenon is understandable: People are frustrated and frightened by the pandemic, explains Dana Dorfman, PhD, a New York City–based psychotherapist. “The COVID-19 pandemic offers endless opportunities for vulnerability, engendering feelings of insecurity, fear, and loss of control,” she says. “We are anxious about the virus’s invisibility, its potential effects, and high transmission rates. And we fear infection, illness, and loss of life — our own and others.” RELATED: What Is a Coronavirus? With the goal of trying to protect themselves and their loved ones — and with emotions running high these days — people may respond emotionally and impassionedly to situations in which they feel afraid for themselves or others. The tendency to react quickly and with strong emotions is one of the ways the body may naturally respond to stress. What isn’t helping is that the politics around COVID-19 guidelines have complicated matters. For starters, while the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued specific guidelines for how to reduce the risk of COVID-19 infection, the requirements for mask-wearing and social distancing vary state by state, and sometimes even county by county. Some of the country’s top officials have chosen for several months to not adhere to the CDC’s public health guidelines, sending mixed messages to the public about behaviors like mask-wearing. The result is that people have varying understandings of what’s “right” and what’s “wrong” in terms of how best to keep themselves and those around them safe. RELATED: How to Avoid Headline Anxiety During a Pandemic
Remember What You Learned in Kindergarten: Bullying Is a No-Winner Game
No matter what’s driving people to call out neighbors or shame friends for these personal choices and behaviors, experts agree that shaming won’t change other people’s behavior. “The reflexive response to attack is to retaliate — it is rare that someone respects the bully, graciously considers the imparted wisdom, and heeds the bully’s aggressively veiled advice,” Dr. Dorfman says. Most people don’t like being told what to do, adds Alice Domar, PhD, executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health in Waltham, Massachusetts, and author of Be Happy Without Being Perfect. “People feel like the way they’re handling it is the right way, no matter how they’re doing it. They find anything else threatening and they become judgmental.” And if we’re on the receiving end of such bullying, it can feel hurtful, humiliating, or annoying — and it can make you feel down, anxious, or angry, says Katherine Gantz Pannel, DO, a psychiatrist and medical director of Right Track Medical Group in Oxford, Mississippi. “It can make you start questioning why you’re friends [with someone] to begin with, if your relationship can be so challenged by something like this.”
How to Deal With These Issues Constructively
How can you better handle these situations so that you don’t lose friends over mask and social-distancing issues? How can you actually have productive discussions about these subjects, even if you don’t see eye to eye on them? Here are six tips for handling these conflicts diplomatically:
1. Say It Nicely; Don’t Raise Your Voice
For starters, whether you’re on the delivery or receiving end of these judgments, the way your views are expressed makes a difference. “Not only is the content of your message important, but the way that you convey it may make the difference in how it is received,” Dorfman says. For example, if you’re angry and you increase the volume of your voice and the intensity of your tone, the person on the receiving end may miss the message and simply focus on your anger. “A neutral, firm tone with clear messaging and information is most effective,” Dorfman says.
2. Stay Calm and Focus on the Message
If the person on the other end of the conversation is turning up the volume, do your best to dial it down and focus on what that person is actually trying to tell you. “It’s difficult to sift through someone’s harsh delivery, but see if you can identify the source of the message,” Dorfman says. While bullying or shaming may be an expression of anger, a secondary, more vulnerable feeling, such as anxiety, fear, or insecurity, may lie beneath. If you can identify the underlying feeling, you might acknowledge it, letting the other person know you understand where he or she is coming from, Dorfman suggests. With a neighbor or colleague, for example, you might try saying: “I hear how anxious and scared you are about this.” This might encourage the person to correct course with his or her tone and approach, and it could lead to a constructive conversation about the issue. RELATED: How to Handle Anxiety in the Time of COVID-19
3. Set Boundaries That You’re Comfortable With When and Where You Can
The pandemic is straining all of us, so protecting mental health right now is really important, Pannel says — “which means you must protect your boundaries.” If someone is calling you out on Facebook or on another virtual platform, consider blocking that person or taking breaks from social media, she suggests. If someone hassles you in person, choose not to be around him or her. If a friend wants to stop by to say hello or bring you something, feel free to accept the offer on your terms. That might mean saying: “You are welcome to come in if you wear a mask” or “I don’t feel comfortable having people in my home but I can meet you outside if we both wear masks.” RELATED: Is Social Media Busting or Boosting Your Stress?
4. Think Twice Before You Respond
Rather than react according to your initial instincts, think about how your response might come across, and choose to respond in a way that will avoid ramping up conflict. If someone yells at you for not wearing a mask while you’re walking your dog or walking with a friend, continue walking without engaging with the yeller. If you feel compelled to say something, don’t make it personal; stick to the facts: Explain that you’re complying with CDC guidelines by staying more than six feet away from other people outside, Dr. Domar suggests. Before you criticize someone else on social media or a listserv, check your own behavior: Read what you’ve written from the other person’s point of view; if it’s hurtful or upsetting, rephrase it or delete it, Dr. Pannel suggests.
5. Recognize When It’s Better to Mind Your Own Business
“If somebody is doing something that doesn’t put you at risk, it’s not your business and you shouldn’t say anything,” Domar says. So if you see someone riding a bike or walking a dog without wearing a mask, let it go; simply keep your distance (at least six feet). If there’s a rule or ordinance in your community that people must wear masks inside a store or restaurant, and you see someone who’s not complying, notify the person in charge, Dorfman suggests. “Rather than taking matters into your own hands, allow the store manager or property owner to address it and determine how to handle it.”
6. Practice Compassion
Keep in mind that coping with this pandemic is extremely difficult for everyone and we don’t always know what else other people are dealing with in their lives. “We have to lower our expectations of other people — people are feeling really strung out right now and some people are a lot more strung out based on their personal circumstances,” Domar says. Instead of ratcheting up our own and someone else’s emotional stress and anxiety with nasty comments, it’s better to try to exercise compassion toward ourselves and others. In other words, we need to look out for each other’s welfare by engaging in safe behavior (such as wearing a mask), but also by being kind and considerate.
