Migraines affect not only the person having the attack but also everyone around them. After all, you can only miss so many birthday parties and after-work happy hours before the condition starts to take its toll on your social life.
Migraine: An Invisible Condition
Part of the challenge of a condition like migraine is that you can’t see it. “When you have a broken leg with a cast on, people see it, understand it, and hold the door open for you without questions,” says Ellen A. Slawsby, PhD, the director of the Mind/Body Chronic Pain Service and a staff psychologist at the Benson-Henry Institute at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. “However, it’s up to people with migraines to explain that they have a condition that is not always present and active, but at times does flare and does present challenges in their ability to engage in activities.” In other words, you have to make the condition visible by talking about it. Start with these strategies. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed. A migraine is serious, Dr. Slawsby says, and should be respected just like any other health condition. You also shouldn’t try to hide it from your children, she says. “It’s not a negative for a child to learn to help take care of a parent who has a health condition,” says Slawsby. “In fact, it probably helps them become more empathetic, caring human beings in the long run. And it doesn’t mean you’re not a good mother if you can’t go to every baseball practice.” If your children get upset with you at times for not being engaged, be honest with them. Let them know you have a health condition and that sometimes you get sick but you get better. Then schedule an activity for when you’re feeling well again. Let them know you can do things with them but can’t be active with them every day. Be honest and specific about your needs. Start by explaining your specific migraine triggers to your loved ones, so they understand when you forgo a certain food or activity. If you have to turn down dinner with a friend, tell them why you can’t make it and offer to reschedule. If people ask what they can do to help, understand that they really don’t know, so tell them. Be prepared for when the next migraine strikes by making a list of daily (or weekly) chores. Then, when you need to rest, family members can tackle a few tasks each. This helps keep the family and household running and leaves less for you to catch up on later. Know your audience. Slawsby recommends letting people know that your migraines may flare up and that when they do, you’re going to need their support. But it’s important to use the right language. For example, a pain scale of 0 – 10 can be used with your doctor, but it isn’t always helpful with your loved ones. You’re looking for treatment from your doctor but compassion, understanding, and support from your friends and family. Try using less descriptive and technical language. Let your loved ones know that you’re having a flare-up, and be clear about how they can help. Keep your stress levels under control. An especially helpful tip for engaging with family members is learning how to manage stress, which is one of the most common migraine triggers. If you’re stressed when you start to experience a migraine and snap at your spouse or other family members, you’re probably aggravating your headache and your relationships. Learn to identify when you are stressed or when a migraine is coming on, and take a minute to breathe and recalibrate. Rest for a while or ask someone else to pitch in around the house, which will help you out of the stressful situation and help you maintain your relationships.
